The problem is, they're both avoiding one another. Jesper because of letting Kaz down, and Kaz because... he's avoiding all people after the rot and the bodies and all that had come with it. He's spending too much time in the Horizon that is "safe" and he's plotting and gathering things and a furtive dark shadow with extra layers on, a hard line to his limp from pushing himself too hard, and a paleness to his already pale look that is as haunted as he feels.
Kaz opens the door at the rap cautiously, still dressed in all but his overcoat and even with his gloves still on. Blinking as he steps back to let Jesper in, wondering if he's finally broken the silence that they've both kept. He doesn't expect an apology, nor does he have anything to apologize for, and yet they're both waiting on it. There's so much more, the flirting, the push that he could hurt Kaz and it's only left him wanting to prove he can't be hurt, this place can't hurt him and it can't use Inej and Jesper to do it. He's taken a million steps forwards in a short time.
And now he's gone back beyond the starting line of when he'd arrived. At least its how it feels to him.
Those words though are something else entirely.
"Sit down," he says softly, that part of him that had come so far wanting to be there for him, to comfort him when it's obvious he's in a panic. Yet he fears his reaction if he tries, fears he'll make Jesper feel he's disgusted with him and so he does what he knows he can. To help in the ways he still can. "And then tell me everything."
No argument. No question. Just there for him. Even as he stays by the door, watching Jesper as if he can't look away.
Jesper's guilt is all-consuming, both in terms of being a failure with the gambling, and a failure in being someone he can count on too. Just once he would've liked to not be the fuck up, or to be able to be comforting, to take on a different role than the one Kaz always has to handle. It took him back a few steps too, in a way. No longer confident and comforting about their new relationship.
He brushes past him and sits on the bed, putting his elbows on his knees and his chin on top of his hands. Jesper is all long limbs and while wearing bright colors like red usually is a display of his personality, right then it seemed like the vividness of the color of his jacket was washing him out instead.
"On the supply run, we came across a ravine, we had a limited amount of time to get over it in order to make it into Solvunn. There was a creature of some kind below, so it was important we got across."
Jesper didn't go into exact detail about the supply run, brushing it off as a success and that he used his corecloth and new metal armor for the first time. He did mention that his metal armor, which he turned into a dozen blades immediately, sliced through some animal attack and he thought he was very impressive. Ciri even thought he was impressive! Because Jesper likes to show off. Kaz knows how impressive he is in a fight, so there's no reason to try and show off for him, but he is naturally that way. He can always be more badass in the eyes of everyone else. But this part he didn't mention since it'd seemed handled.
"Claude distracted the guards so that Ciri and I could use our abilities. She can teleport, not sure why she wants it secret, but she does." And now Kaz will have to keep that secret. Teleporting seems like a fairly harmless ability but who is he to assume what is or isn't scary for other people? "We got down some trees and I used my abilities to create a bridge of bark. It was bloody hard, I passed out afterward. The guards didn't see any of it happen."
Because of Claude. Jesper should be showing off just as much about this, it was a huge display of his Grisha abilities, and difficult and complex, turning the trees into a bridge, molding them with the rock of the ground. Strong enough for people and horses and a caravan full of things to get through. It was necessary, but now Jesper sees how dangerous it was. Except what was he supposed to do? It was the only option. They had to succeed, Free Cities needed those supplies after the attack.
"Claude told me he was taken in for questioning by guards, and they asked him about how we got over the ravine. He lied successfully, but he thinks they're going to ask the rest of us."
Kaz does his best to not back up from Jesper, trying to hide how unsettled he still is. It's hard to hide from those that know him though so he's sadly kind of glad that perhaps Jesper is distracted enough to not notice how bad Kaz is doing.
Yet it's rolling off of him in waves, radiating nervousness and uncertainty. Things he's always done well to keep underwraps but unaware he can't hide like he used to. Not after what he's been through recently.
He's quiet though, standing and watching Jesper intently to take in not just his words but what lies beneath them. The fear of being found out to carry his own magic here, what that could mean, and what comes next. He can imagine how all of that is weighing on Jesper's mind.
And despite his own issues, his uncertainty with where they stand, his own emotions well up. Jesper is his, and he'll be damned if someone here tries to take him away.
For one he takes from it that Jesper is much more advanced than he'd like to admit. A Grisha with those abilities would be a welcome addition to the Second Army, and he suspects the Army here as well.
"Did he tell you the lies he told them? Enough so you could give your own version of how you managed it based on his story?" He's quiet a moment, considering this as he not knowing enough about all of this to know what they would do from here, but he knows why Jesper fears.
"Are they conscripting Grisha here as they do for the Second Army?"
He has another fear as well. That would use him against the magicians in other lands, someone that strong would be valuable, but so far they had asked and not forced. Yet.
"Yes, and he said that he's certain if they tried to do anything to me, everyone here would back me up."
Which is a very nice sentiment, but not one that filled Jesper with the warm fuzzies, honestly. He says it tonelessly now. The last thing he wants is to catch everyone up into his mess. The only reason he's involving Kaz is because that's they do with each other, and despite their current issues, he understands the fear that permeates Jesper's life. He simply forgot about it for awhile here, feeling safe in a place where everyone has powers.
"No, they don't, as far as I know. Everyone here has magic, but I ... I've felt it since I got here, Kaz. The dread. I think they've always planned on using us, and haven't decided how yet."
It isn't rational or logic. Jesper doesn't have proof. Cadens hasn't done anything yet to indicate that is their plan. But they bring all of the Summoned here and just let them exist? What's the point? Why would a military steal people from other worlds only to let them live boring lives? It never made sense so he has been waiting for a long time. For something to come down on them. And Jesper's quick to protect others, quick to throw himself on the line for them, but for himself, that's a harder topic.
"I don't think they'll force me, but I don't know that for sure. Or what pressure they can provide to make a yes necessary."
They both know that sometimes deals have to be made whether it's fair or not, where you have to say yes because the other options are terrible. Those are the smartest types of deals for people who want to use others, and that is what he is waiting for here. A trap neatly designed. Jesper is not concerned about being murdered here like Fjerda would want, but being used is almost as bad.
"If they find out I can make corecloth, not just for bullets but using that new metal for magic, it's not as if I can teach someone else."
Meaning they would actually need him. Armor like that can be made, certainly, but they both know that what the Grisha wear is very unique. It's not what most people are used to seeing. What he made for the bridge is fine, but what he is capable of is so much more. Jesper's learned his abilities in a way that no Durast normally is trained, because he's done it himself, and only in the ways he's interested in.
He chances a look up at Kaz and wishes they were in a better place. Wishes they were different people. He could use comfort right now, but he can't ask for it. "Maybe I should just agree to working for them." Something he for sure doesn't want, but it may be the safest and cleanest option.
"It wouldn't be the first time it was us against an Army," he points out, sounding entire matter of fact.
Even when they both know it's anything but. They don't have the means to as many answers here as they did back in their lands, and even between them Kaz isn't sure they have the means to take on this government with what they have at this time.
But he will. Whatever he has to do for Jesper, he will.
"Never, ever say yes. Force their hand. Force them to do it without your consent. The moment you say yes, we lose bargaining chips. Understood?"
He couldn't rally others if Jesper agreed to it. It would be his choice, not them forcing him to do something his family had fought his entire life. Something that Jesper had fought his entire life, and now Kaz would do what he had to.
And that included taking on this whole place if he had to.
That determination and anger radiated from him, a darkness surrounding him that he can't hide. Not that he's aware of it either.
"No."
It's a tone Jesper knows. Hard and dark but the emotions that roll off of him show something else entirely. Fear. Something he would never admit to but can't hide now.
"You did nothing wrong, Jesper. You helped their people and did what was needed for their kingdom. They owe you. If they want your services, then they hire you they do not pressure you with threats of wrong doing."
He steps in close, giving what he can as his gloved hand grips Jesper's wrist. "Don't give them an inch, Jesper. Don't give them an opening. You did nothing wrong. You did what they asked. If they want more, then we find a nonmagical means of saying you make the cloth and you can profit from their desperation."
"I don't want it to be for me, Kaz. I don't want anything to happen to the Summoned here because I might've fucked up and gotten myself into a spot."
The idea of going to war or facing an army because of him is different from what they've done in the past. It was about bigger things or about more lucrative things, like money and reputation, but Jesper is just a person. He doesn't think it's worth it. Better not to put anyone in a weird position if he can help it and handle it himself.
So he probably would rather negotiate from a yes than put the others at risk. He's come to love these people, and that love that he's gained, shouldn't be used for anything else. He said as much to Claude and he'll say as much to others. It's not really being a martyr, it's more about looking at the options. Getting everyone up in arms would only prove that there was something worth hiding.
Jesper looks at him and he knows what Kaz is saying is correct. He did this for Cadens, he agreed to volunteer to help them. They wouldn't have made it without his help. Maybe that's the angle he should take, reminding them of it. He doesn't know. The fact is that he may be overreacting, it's very hard to know right now, what is his paranoia and what is fact.
He hesitates and then he takes Kaz's gloved hand and raises it to his cheek. Holds it there. Still no skin on skin, but it is a more affectionate gesture, silently asking for it, needing it. Jesper isn't sure where the lines are currently, things got a bit turned around for them.
"There is no logic to how I feel right now. Just ... fear." And wouldn't Kaz understand that of all people? He is frustrated all the time by how his fear controls what he can and can't do. Jesper's not to that level but it is a guttural thing. "Did I fuck this up, Kaz? This." He taps his fingers on Kaz's glove. "Everything. Am I just doomed to constantly fuck things up?"
It's a cruel thing to throw in his face, but he's feeling a desperation he's not used to. Or not used to admitting. He's always had the upper hand and here he's watching what sometimes even himself slip away. If they drag Jesper off to fight this war for them, they could lose him for good and having him move off with his love had been rough enough.
"You know this has been their plan all along," he points out as if that could change things. "Using your kind heart against you." And they would do it with others. With those he loved, with Inej.
His fingers curl against Jesper's cheek but he is stunned by those words, that question. Because in the end, even with what Jesper had done and how it had hurt, he had taken to heart something that wasn't his own.
"Jesper, this is not about you. I've not..." He hates this. Opening up to his weaknesses. It's what he's talking about. Things they can use against them.
Slowly he pulls his hand away from Jesper. Pale eyes stared into the other man's eyes as he slowly took off his gloves, shoving them into his pocket. He lifts his hand, almost touching his cheek though he hesitates. Taking a breath, he lets his fingers brushing against Jesper's skin.
"I saw the dead rise from their graves, Jesper. All I've smelled is rot and decay for weeks now." Even after it seemed over. He knew it was in his mind but that didn't stop it. "You didn't fuck anything up. Not with me. I'm just..."
And that's as much as he can manage. He's just. He's just working on it. He's just terrified over the idea of that happening again. Of it being Jesper's corpse he sees next. Of seeing the dead coming for him. All of it and he is not doing well handling it.
"I would do anything to protect you. You know that." Jesper's thrown himself between trouble and Kaz many times, he would die for either of them in a second. He's doing the same thing for others in his mind, stepping between, being the protector. He does know that Kaz only wants the same thing.
"The key part is they can't find out about corecloth. I can probably make things for them lucratively. But that is different." They both know that the Ravkan army keeps their Fabrikators creating, corecloth is a major reason why. It's designed for every one of their soldiers and unique. If he'd been taken into the army, he wouldn't have been able to be a soldier the same way, or a gunslinger, they keep them in the workshops too. And it's too useful. Cadens might want the same.
Jesper had been so afraid to ask about them; it has been so fragile. This thing they've begun that matters so much to him. He has spent all this time desperately wanting Kaz, and it would be like him to lose as soon as he gets him. He waits to see if he's about to be stabbed in the heart, but instead Kaz tries to communicate.
He watches his bare hand without saying anything, not wanting to push Kaz to touch him if it's too much. Jesper stays very still but his breath catches when Kaz's too-soft fingers touch his cheek. So small a gesture feels like so much. Jesper looks up at him and thinks.
"Is it only skin touch?" They are very new to this still, he hasn't hit all the boundaries yet. "If I stood right now and hugged you, and none of our skin was touching, would that still be bad for you?" Kaz could use a hug, is his thinking. A hug and to smell Jesper and feel his heart beat and know that he's alive and safe, they both are. But not if that could make him pass out too.
"And you don't think that if they force you into the Army they might not find out? Yes, I know. They might push harder if you don't. I've rarely had to argue with you where the answer wasn't do as I say," he finally growls, shaking his head.
Before he could have laid down ultimatums. He could have bought off those who interviewed him, or had them destroyed. Here he has nothing, no hold, no name and it's part of the hard bitterness he carries with him every day and every moment. Especially the creeping thoughts that this world, unlike their own, wasn't made for his style of power and control wherein what he's always known and done can benefit him.
It's why, with Inej and Jesper, he is truly trying to change how he handles things. If only by trying to be honest, to open up, because then, perhaps, he won't lose them along with everything else that's already been stripped from him.
So that question quiets him, staring into Jesper's eyes as the tips of his fingers trace the line of Jesper's jaw before his hand skims down along the other man's arm.
"I..." His gaze only slips away then in his moment of uncertainty. "I don't know. It's been a very long time since I've hugged someone."
He was a boy, still barely more than a child, and he had distanced himself so much from others he couldn't remember things like hugs. That was another lifetime, another boy, not himself. Could be reclaim that?
"But I want you to."
The admission almost surprises him but he does. If he's somehow going to lose Jesper to this place and the Army, he's not going to do it without feeling his friend's arms around him.
It's true, Kaz used to be able to just order him around, and technically he probably still could, but they are not the same as they were before. Jesper is glad about that. "I promise I won't make any rash decisions." For him that is actually hard, he is a very rash person! But he will do it for Kaz, for sure. That is not a problem for Jesper this minute because no one has come for him yet. They have time to prepare.
Kaz looking into his eyes as his soft fingers caress his jaw gets a little heat in his eyes, it's impossible not to. The smallest gestures to them are everything at the moment. "Let's try it." Try being that they can stop at any time, surely that will be good enough. Jesper stands up and they already are so close physically because Kaz was touching him.
First Jesper touches his side. Still on the fabric, sliding a hand slowly around to his back to encircle him there. It will keep him close, although obviously very easy to unravel out of the moment it gets too much. Everything he is doing is very slow and careful, letting Kaz adapt as they go, not pushing him too fast. He steps in so there is almost no space between them now, closer to an embrace, touching in so many places but all over clothes. There is definitely an intimacy to this, his heart beating so hard, and saints if he didn't wish he could kiss him.
"It's okay," he says softly, soothingly. "No skin. Trust me. You'll be okay." Jesper moves his head so he's no longer distracted by Kaz's lips to go next to it instead. His other hand gently touches his back and he stops there, allowing Kaz to decide if he wants to fully sink into the embrace or back off.
A brow arches at that, staring at Jesper. He can make that promise but they both know his nature and the man he is. Kaz also knows how he feels about recent rash decisions and therefor knows how much those words mean.
"The deal is the deal," he says, marking it as if that were something put on paper for him. Perhaps it was wrong to mark those words with that vow but he would. All things considered it was perhaps cruel, but he is holding Jesper to that. Out of his own fears he wouldn't vocalize more than he already had.
He holds very still at that touch, so used to most contact he receives coming with blows and pain. Years of conditioning are hard to overcome but he holds still. For Jesper's sake.
No, for their sake. All three of them.
Even if he feels like a fool, so uncomfortable about something that is so common place to others. A child manages this without thinking, and he won't let it be his downfall. Even if his heart is racing and he feels almost lightheaded. Tense for a moment.
Then his hands slide along Jesper's side, feeling the warmth of his body beneath cloth as he wraps his arms around him. It still feels awkward, for a moment, and then he sinks into his hold. Almost like strings cut, his body pressing to Jesper's.
And he's still awake. For a moment it might not feel like it, but he moves his head, pressing his cheek against Jesper's hair.
Jesper knows he's uncomfortable, he can feel the tension tight in him, but they've all agreed they are going to have to push Kaz's boundaries just a little if they're going to get anywhere. He wanted them to help him get better at this and this is one of his attempts at it. It is good that he can feel the tension because he can also feel the release of it when Kaz sinks into the hug.
His breath catches at how good it feels for Kaz to hold onto him like this. He wants this embrace, he has wanted comfort from Kaz before, but that never seemed like their thing. Now it is, so much about them can change. Jesper's grip around him tightens and he hugs him. This actually is far more effective than reassuring him with words sometimes. He feels safe and sturdy with Kaz's strength to soak in.
He feels Kaz's cheek nuzzle into his hair like that and sighs happily, moving his hand so it simply rubs up and down Kaz's back very slowly. Reassuringly. Soothing and petting as he would a feral cat caught in his grasp. "This feels amazing," he murmurs. It's good to communicate considering his joy after being so miserable moments before. "How do you feel, love? Is this okay?"
When he's admitted what happened, Kaz had spoken of his trouble with skin on skin contact and why but if he's honest it has become so much more. In withdrawing the chance of physical contact, he's withdraw in every other way. He had become hard and cruel and had turned that on everyone and only now is he opening up. Perhaps it's only for two people but he is opening up.
After what the city had put them through, he hadn't thought he could handle contact again. Even clothed.
Yet here he is, pressing in against Jesper, and finding himself clinging. Long fingers clutching at his jacket, almost as if afraid of his own reaction or the other man's.
The soft rumble of Jesper's voice though causes a fine tremble to go through him. Especially that word. He's not even sure what to do with that or how to handle that, truly. "It's... Yeah, it's okay. More than."
Jesper has always valued affection. His mother was a champion snuggler and she was as open with her heart as her son. In so many ways he's like her, to the point where it's clear why his father struggled. It's difficult to move on when your child is a duplicate in so many ways. But his father was affectionate too, he always let Jesper know that he loved him. This comes as easily to him as it doesn't to Kaz in the opposite way.
So he thinks he's the perfect person to get Kaz used to this. He'll keep hugging him until it gets easier.
"Kaz Brekker, a cuddler in the making," he teases gently. He knows what this means though, how important it is. Jesper wants to touch him more. He wants to turn his head, kiss Kaz's hair or run his fingers through it, but that may be too much skin or close enough to it. He wants to nuzzle into his neck and breathe him in, and so many other things that they're not close to doing yet.
"Put your hand on my chest over my heart." Jesper doesn't actually do that for him. All of this has to be in Kaz's choice for this to work. His voice is low, it's that silky tone he uses when he's seducing people, and in this case he isn't, not exactly. He's just trying to make Kaz listen. "I want you to feel my heart beat. I want you to memorize it. And I want you to close your eyes and hear it every time you see the dead or feel them again. Just think of my heartbeat, and the way I smell, and the way I sound. I'll be the life to counter the dead."
It feels weird, but then almost all contact that doesn't bring pain feels weird to him. Holding hands. Leaning into one another. Now this. And yet, just because it's an odd sensation to him doesn't mean he doesn't want it. Some small part of him craves this. Those little hand holds, the touch to his knee, all of these moments that he can tolerate because of cloth and layers and yet he's there with those he truly does care about. Those that care about him.
He barks a rough laugh at that declaration, and yet is it possible? Could he come to seek this out as much as he seeks them out?
So when Jesper says that, he considers for a moment. Always thinking things through before he follows through, if he's going to. Yet this time he does. He moves his hand up to press his palm over Jesper's heart.
The life to counter the dead.
Isn't that what they have always been for him? His life. His future. His... his friends though he's never thought of it in those terms. More than that, he's never let himself think it might be mutual. Not until recently and he'd given them their freedom.
Now though his fingers tap lightly against Jesper's chest, memorizing the rhythm of his heart.
"You must think I'm a fool," he says softly, an admission of how nervous all of this makes him, especially in thinking of Jesper and Inej.
Kaz one time called him Jordie and now that there is context behind it, he understands, because it's not the fraternal bond between them, it's the life in question. It's the person he counted on, who sometimes failed him, but who he couldn't let go of and had to. Not the same as a brother, but something else important all the same.
He is being as careful as he can be to hold Kaz without being uncomfortable and ignoring his natural instincts to touch him. It requires a lot of effort on Jesper's part not to act the way he usually does. With anyone else he would be kissing his brow, casually running fingers through his hair, holding his hand without thinking about it. Jesper does everything with intention when it comes to Kaz, he has to.
"No, love. Never that." He likes the feel of Kaz's hand on his chest, the heat of it plenty enough for him to sense it through the fabric. It's nice. "I think you should be nicer to yourself. You're doing the best you can."
And he has come a long way! Jesper can see that, all the effort it's taken to even get this far. He hopes that eventually, Kaz will stop being so harsh on himself, as this gets easier and more familiar. "You really need to stop being so mean to the man I love. I'm very protective over him, you know."
Kaz has never been one to give an inch to others. If he did, it was with enough rope to hang himself. Maybe only two people realized how how much that extended to himself. If he was hard on others, he was triply so on himself. Expecting more, demanding he not give an inch, never show weakness. Now, in this place, it seems all he does is show weakness.
Except, maybe, he needs to rewrite what is weakness and what is failure. Even if that thought feels impossible.
His fingers brush against Jesper's chest, a tentative attempt at more than light touches and hesitant motions. Trying to offer more than that for him, to show how much he is trying.
"The best I can is not enough. If I wouldn't accept that from others, why would I accept it from myself?" And that is, at the heart of it, his problem. He's never demanded more from others than he was willing to give himself, after all.
Again there is that soft sound that is certainly a laugh but filled with such uncertainty about what this all means and if he's doing the right thing. If he's hearing him right.
"The man you love, huh? I think you might have to accept he's going to maybe be a bit crueler than you want. At least for a time."
Until he adjusts to it all and starts to be gentler with himself. If he can.
Jesper feels like Kaz's touch is so rare that it feels like a brand when it's moving on its own, such as touching his chest at the moment. His heart thuds a little harder for a few seconds. He's just so hungry for every gesture. He rolls his eyes and pulls back, not entirely from the hug, his arms still around him, but so he can look down at Kaz's face.
"You are much harder on yourself than the rest of us. I just want you to consider that something taking time doesn't make it bad."
Jesper is tall enough that he can very carefully kiss the top of Kaz's head. He makes certain it is where his hair is full and thick so he would barely feel it, surely the hair would keep it from seeming a skin touch. If allowed he will keep his nose there for a few moments to smell him. He's taking what he can get, don't @ him.
"And yes, very much love you, obnoxiously love you. Sorry."
It's an odd sensation to be reassured that it's all right for him needing time to adjust to all of this. His feelings. Who he wants to be in this place. Just these small things, and touches between them.
And yet, he realizes that while he does need time, he doesn't want it. He wants to ignore his fears and take his chances, but it's not fair to them to risk him passing out. Again.
Yet in this moment, he feels the need to try. Not just in this closeness, the way his fingers are brushing against Jesper's chest. He can't help but to think about what it would be like to stroke his fingers over Jesper's chest, bare fingers on toned skin. Or to try and kiss him and have it not end with him unconscious on the floor.
Yet he feels that cold clamminess just thinking about it, but he realizes he doesn't feel it when he thinks about something else. Something that he needs to show them and let them know how he feels.
He draws back slowly, looking into Jesper's eyes.
"You know I feel the same, right? That all I've done to keep you from falling into gambling, and the things I missed when you left, and... you know feel the same, right?"
He hates stumbling over the words, that saying them is harder than he thought it would be.
"Do not be sorry for feeling the same love I do. Because I fo love you."
Jesper understands how Inej lost control of herself long enough to surprise Kaz with a kiss, before understanding that it would lead him to pass out. The impulse is everywhere for him too. They're looking into each other's eyes, still in a half-embrace, so unbelievably close, and the only thing holding him back is knowing it would ruin the moment. If he made Kaz pass out or made him sick, it would ruin this, and that's the last thing he wants from them declaring love for one another. Something like that should never be wrapped up in nausea.
"I didn't know," Jesper admits, and he feels something. Something almost embarrassing, as in a wave of intense emotion so strong he almost felt like welling up. He is used to being loved. His confidence in himself and his own appeal is eternal, it doesn't mean that hearing the words means any less to him because he's heard it before. It always matters. It's always special. Being loved comes naturally to him but he still craves it. Especially from Kaz or all people.
He knew that Kaz cared for him, that he meant a great deal to him. He knew that he had feelings for him, romantic and sexual, otherwise they wouldn't be attempting to work out this in a very slow burn. But in his unkind moments, desperate for Kaz's attention, he thought maybe he wasn't capable of it. Cruel, but so was unrequited love.
He takes in an unsteady breath and lets it out, letting his hand run up and down Kaz's back gently, that connection between them steady. "In case you doubt it, Kaz, this is worth it. You are worth it. No matter how long it takes, no matter how difficult it might be at times for us, I want to be right here with you."
Jesper knows if he keeps looking into Kaz's eyes like that he might slip so he pulls back finally, with some reluctance. There is getting him used to touch and there is the edge of when it's too much. He very carefully lifts a hand and brushes only the back of his fingers against Kaz's cheek in a caress, no more than a second. "Thanks. For loving me."
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Kaz opens the door at the rap cautiously, still dressed in all but his overcoat and even with his gloves still on. Blinking as he steps back to let Jesper in, wondering if he's finally broken the silence that they've both kept. He doesn't expect an apology, nor does he have anything to apologize for, and yet they're both waiting on it. There's so much more, the flirting, the push that he could hurt Kaz and it's only left him wanting to prove he can't be hurt, this place can't hurt him and it can't use Inej and Jesper to do it. He's taken a million steps forwards in a short time.
And now he's gone back beyond the starting line of when he'd arrived. At least its how it feels to him.
Those words though are something else entirely.
"Sit down," he says softly, that part of him that had come so far wanting to be there for him, to comfort him when it's obvious he's in a panic. Yet he fears his reaction if he tries, fears he'll make Jesper feel he's disgusted with him and so he does what he knows he can. To help in the ways he still can. "And then tell me everything."
No argument. No question. Just there for him. Even as he stays by the door, watching Jesper as if he can't look away.
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He brushes past him and sits on the bed, putting his elbows on his knees and his chin on top of his hands. Jesper is all long limbs and while wearing bright colors like red usually is a display of his personality, right then it seemed like the vividness of the color of his jacket was washing him out instead.
"On the supply run, we came across a ravine, we had a limited amount of time to get over it in order to make it into Solvunn. There was a creature of some kind below, so it was important we got across."
Jesper didn't go into exact detail about the supply run, brushing it off as a success and that he used his corecloth and new metal armor for the first time. He did mention that his metal armor, which he turned into a dozen blades immediately, sliced through some animal attack and he thought he was very impressive. Ciri even thought he was impressive! Because Jesper likes to show off. Kaz knows how impressive he is in a fight, so there's no reason to try and show off for him, but he is naturally that way. He can always be more badass in the eyes of everyone else. But this part he didn't mention since it'd seemed handled.
"Claude distracted the guards so that Ciri and I could use our abilities. She can teleport, not sure why she wants it secret, but she does." And now Kaz will have to keep that secret. Teleporting seems like a fairly harmless ability but who is he to assume what is or isn't scary for other people? "We got down some trees and I used my abilities to create a bridge of bark. It was bloody hard, I passed out afterward. The guards didn't see any of it happen."
Because of Claude. Jesper should be showing off just as much about this, it was a huge display of his Grisha abilities, and difficult and complex, turning the trees into a bridge, molding them with the rock of the ground. Strong enough for people and horses and a caravan full of things to get through. It was necessary, but now Jesper sees how dangerous it was. Except what was he supposed to do? It was the only option. They had to succeed, Free Cities needed those supplies after the attack.
"Claude told me he was taken in for questioning by guards, and they asked him about how we got over the ravine. He lied successfully, but he thinks they're going to ask the rest of us."
And that could put Jesper into a trap.
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Yet it's rolling off of him in waves, radiating nervousness and uncertainty. Things he's always done well to keep underwraps but unaware he can't hide like he used to. Not after what he's been through recently.
He's quiet though, standing and watching Jesper intently to take in not just his words but what lies beneath them. The fear of being found out to carry his own magic here, what that could mean, and what comes next. He can imagine how all of that is weighing on Jesper's mind.
And despite his own issues, his uncertainty with where they stand, his own emotions well up. Jesper is his, and he'll be damned if someone here tries to take him away.
For one he takes from it that Jesper is much more advanced than he'd like to admit. A Grisha with those abilities would be a welcome addition to the Second Army, and he suspects the Army here as well.
"Did he tell you the lies he told them? Enough so you could give your own version of how you managed it based on his story?" He's quiet a moment, considering this as he not knowing enough about all of this to know what they would do from here, but he knows why Jesper fears.
"Are they conscripting Grisha here as they do for the Second Army?"
He has another fear as well. That would use him against the magicians in other lands, someone that strong would be valuable, but so far they had asked and not forced. Yet.
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Which is a very nice sentiment, but not one that filled Jesper with the warm fuzzies, honestly. He says it tonelessly now. The last thing he wants is to catch everyone up into his mess. The only reason he's involving Kaz is because that's they do with each other, and despite their current issues, he understands the fear that permeates Jesper's life. He simply forgot about it for awhile here, feeling safe in a place where everyone has powers.
"No, they don't, as far as I know. Everyone here has magic, but I ... I've felt it since I got here, Kaz. The dread. I think they've always planned on using us, and haven't decided how yet."
It isn't rational or logic. Jesper doesn't have proof. Cadens hasn't done anything yet to indicate that is their plan. But they bring all of the Summoned here and just let them exist? What's the point? Why would a military steal people from other worlds only to let them live boring lives? It never made sense so he has been waiting for a long time. For something to come down on them. And Jesper's quick to protect others, quick to throw himself on the line for them, but for himself, that's a harder topic.
"I don't think they'll force me, but I don't know that for sure. Or what pressure they can provide to make a yes necessary."
They both know that sometimes deals have to be made whether it's fair or not, where you have to say yes because the other options are terrible. Those are the smartest types of deals for people who want to use others, and that is what he is waiting for here. A trap neatly designed. Jesper is not concerned about being murdered here like Fjerda would want, but being used is almost as bad.
"If they find out I can make corecloth, not just for bullets but using that new metal for magic, it's not as if I can teach someone else."
Meaning they would actually need him. Armor like that can be made, certainly, but they both know that what the Grisha wear is very unique. It's not what most people are used to seeing. What he made for the bridge is fine, but what he is capable of is so much more. Jesper's learned his abilities in a way that no Durast normally is trained, because he's done it himself, and only in the ways he's interested in.
He chances a look up at Kaz and wishes they were in a better place. Wishes they were different people. He could use comfort right now, but he can't ask for it. "Maybe I should just agree to working for them." Something he for sure doesn't want, but it may be the safest and cleanest option.
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Even when they both know it's anything but. They don't have the means to as many answers here as they did back in their lands, and even between them Kaz isn't sure they have the means to take on this government with what they have at this time.
But he will. Whatever he has to do for Jesper, he will.
"Never, ever say yes. Force their hand. Force them to do it without your consent. The moment you say yes, we lose bargaining chips. Understood?"
He couldn't rally others if Jesper agreed to it. It would be his choice, not them forcing him to do something his family had fought his entire life. Something that Jesper had fought his entire life, and now Kaz would do what he had to.
And that included taking on this whole place if he had to.
That determination and anger radiated from him, a darkness surrounding him that he can't hide. Not that he's aware of it either.
"No."
It's a tone Jesper knows. Hard and dark but the emotions that roll off of him show something else entirely. Fear. Something he would never admit to but can't hide now.
"You did nothing wrong, Jesper. You helped their people and did what was needed for their kingdom. They owe you. If they want your services, then they hire you they do not pressure you with threats of wrong doing."
He steps in close, giving what he can as his gloved hand grips Jesper's wrist. "Don't give them an inch, Jesper. Don't give them an opening. You did nothing wrong. You did what they asked. If they want more, then we find a nonmagical means of saying you make the cloth and you can profit from their desperation."
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The idea of going to war or facing an army because of him is different from what they've done in the past. It was about bigger things or about more lucrative things, like money and reputation, but Jesper is just a person. He doesn't think it's worth it. Better not to put anyone in a weird position if he can help it and handle it himself.
So he probably would rather negotiate from a yes than put the others at risk. He's come to love these people, and that love that he's gained, shouldn't be used for anything else. He said as much to Claude and he'll say as much to others. It's not really being a martyr, it's more about looking at the options. Getting everyone up in arms would only prove that there was something worth hiding.
Jesper looks at him and he knows what Kaz is saying is correct. He did this for Cadens, he agreed to volunteer to help them. They wouldn't have made it without his help. Maybe that's the angle he should take, reminding them of it. He doesn't know. The fact is that he may be overreacting, it's very hard to know right now, what is his paranoia and what is fact.
He hesitates and then he takes Kaz's gloved hand and raises it to his cheek. Holds it there. Still no skin on skin, but it is a more affectionate gesture, silently asking for it, needing it. Jesper isn't sure where the lines are currently, things got a bit turned around for them.
"There is no logic to how I feel right now. Just ... fear." And wouldn't Kaz understand that of all people? He is frustrated all the time by how his fear controls what he can and can't do. Jesper's not to that level but it is a guttural thing. "Did I fuck this up, Kaz? This." He taps his fingers on Kaz's glove. "Everything. Am I just doomed to constantly fuck things up?"
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It's a cruel thing to throw in his face, but he's feeling a desperation he's not used to. Or not used to admitting. He's always had the upper hand and here he's watching what sometimes even himself slip away. If they drag Jesper off to fight this war for them, they could lose him for good and having him move off with his love had been rough enough.
"You know this has been their plan all along," he points out as if that could change things. "Using your kind heart against you." And they would do it with others. With those he loved, with Inej.
His fingers curl against Jesper's cheek but he is stunned by those words, that question. Because in the end, even with what Jesper had done and how it had hurt, he had taken to heart something that wasn't his own.
"Jesper, this is not about you. I've not..." He hates this. Opening up to his weaknesses. It's what he's talking about. Things they can use against them.
Slowly he pulls his hand away from Jesper. Pale eyes stared into the other man's eyes as he slowly took off his gloves, shoving them into his pocket. He lifts his hand, almost touching his cheek though he hesitates. Taking a breath, he lets his fingers brushing against Jesper's skin.
"I saw the dead rise from their graves, Jesper. All I've smelled is rot and decay for weeks now." Even after it seemed over. He knew it was in his mind but that didn't stop it. "You didn't fuck anything up. Not with me. I'm just..."
And that's as much as he can manage. He's just. He's just working on it. He's just terrified over the idea of that happening again. Of it being Jesper's corpse he sees next. Of seeing the dead coming for him. All of it and he is not doing well handling it.
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"The key part is they can't find out about corecloth. I can probably make things for them lucratively. But that is different." They both know that the Ravkan army keeps their Fabrikators creating, corecloth is a major reason why. It's designed for every one of their soldiers and unique. If he'd been taken into the army, he wouldn't have been able to be a soldier the same way, or a gunslinger, they keep them in the workshops too. And it's too useful. Cadens might want the same.
Jesper had been so afraid to ask about them; it has been so fragile. This thing they've begun that matters so much to him. He has spent all this time desperately wanting Kaz, and it would be like him to lose as soon as he gets him. He waits to see if he's about to be stabbed in the heart, but instead Kaz tries to communicate.
He watches his bare hand without saying anything, not wanting to push Kaz to touch him if it's too much. Jesper stays very still but his breath catches when Kaz's too-soft fingers touch his cheek. So small a gesture feels like so much. Jesper looks up at him and thinks.
"Is it only skin touch?" They are very new to this still, he hasn't hit all the boundaries yet. "If I stood right now and hugged you, and none of our skin was touching, would that still be bad for you?" Kaz could use a hug, is his thinking. A hug and to smell Jesper and feel his heart beat and know that he's alive and safe, they both are. But not if that could make him pass out too.
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Before he could have laid down ultimatums. He could have bought off those who interviewed him, or had them destroyed. Here he has nothing, no hold, no name and it's part of the hard bitterness he carries with him every day and every moment. Especially the creeping thoughts that this world, unlike their own, wasn't made for his style of power and control wherein what he's always known and done can benefit him.
It's why, with Inej and Jesper, he is truly trying to change how he handles things. If only by trying to be honest, to open up, because then, perhaps, he won't lose them along with everything else that's already been stripped from him.
So that question quiets him, staring into Jesper's eyes as the tips of his fingers trace the line of Jesper's jaw before his hand skims down along the other man's arm.
"I..." His gaze only slips away then in his moment of uncertainty. "I don't know. It's been a very long time since I've hugged someone."
He was a boy, still barely more than a child, and he had distanced himself so much from others he couldn't remember things like hugs. That was another lifetime, another boy, not himself. Could be reclaim that?
"But I want you to."
The admission almost surprises him but he does. If he's somehow going to lose Jesper to this place and the Army, he's not going to do it without feeling his friend's arms around him.
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Kaz looking into his eyes as his soft fingers caress his jaw gets a little heat in his eyes, it's impossible not to. The smallest gestures to them are everything at the moment. "Let's try it." Try being that they can stop at any time, surely that will be good enough. Jesper stands up and they already are so close physically because Kaz was touching him.
First Jesper touches his side. Still on the fabric, sliding a hand slowly around to his back to encircle him there. It will keep him close, although obviously very easy to unravel out of the moment it gets too much. Everything he is doing is very slow and careful, letting Kaz adapt as they go, not pushing him too fast. He steps in so there is almost no space between them now, closer to an embrace, touching in so many places but all over clothes. There is definitely an intimacy to this, his heart beating so hard, and saints if he didn't wish he could kiss him.
"It's okay," he says softly, soothingly. "No skin. Trust me. You'll be okay." Jesper moves his head so he's no longer distracted by Kaz's lips to go next to it instead. His other hand gently touches his back and he stops there, allowing Kaz to decide if he wants to fully sink into the embrace or back off.
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"The deal is the deal," he says, marking it as if that were something put on paper for him. Perhaps it was wrong to mark those words with that vow but he would. All things considered it was perhaps cruel, but he is holding Jesper to that. Out of his own fears he wouldn't vocalize more than he already had.
He holds very still at that touch, so used to most contact he receives coming with blows and pain. Years of conditioning are hard to overcome but he holds still. For Jesper's sake.
No, for their sake. All three of them.
Even if he feels like a fool, so uncomfortable about something that is so common place to others. A child manages this without thinking, and he won't let it be his downfall. Even if his heart is racing and he feels almost lightheaded. Tense for a moment.
Then his hands slide along Jesper's side, feeling the warmth of his body beneath cloth as he wraps his arms around him. It still feels awkward, for a moment, and then he sinks into his hold. Almost like strings cut, his body pressing to Jesper's.
And he's still awake. For a moment it might not feel like it, but he moves his head, pressing his cheek against Jesper's hair.
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His breath catches at how good it feels for Kaz to hold onto him like this. He wants this embrace, he has wanted comfort from Kaz before, but that never seemed like their thing. Now it is, so much about them can change. Jesper's grip around him tightens and he hugs him. This actually is far more effective than reassuring him with words sometimes. He feels safe and sturdy with Kaz's strength to soak in.
He feels Kaz's cheek nuzzle into his hair like that and sighs happily, moving his hand so it simply rubs up and down Kaz's back very slowly. Reassuringly. Soothing and petting as he would a feral cat caught in his grasp. "This feels amazing," he murmurs. It's good to communicate considering his joy after being so miserable moments before. "How do you feel, love? Is this okay?"
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After what the city had put them through, he hadn't thought he could handle contact again. Even clothed.
Yet here he is, pressing in against Jesper, and finding himself clinging. Long fingers clutching at his jacket, almost as if afraid of his own reaction or the other man's.
The soft rumble of Jesper's voice though causes a fine tremble to go through him. Especially that word. He's not even sure what to do with that or how to handle that, truly. "It's... Yeah, it's okay. More than."
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So he thinks he's the perfect person to get Kaz used to this. He'll keep hugging him until it gets easier.
"Kaz Brekker, a cuddler in the making," he teases gently. He knows what this means though, how important it is. Jesper wants to touch him more. He wants to turn his head, kiss Kaz's hair or run his fingers through it, but that may be too much skin or close enough to it. He wants to nuzzle into his neck and breathe him in, and so many other things that they're not close to doing yet.
"Put your hand on my chest over my heart." Jesper doesn't actually do that for him. All of this has to be in Kaz's choice for this to work. His voice is low, it's that silky tone he uses when he's seducing people, and in this case he isn't, not exactly. He's just trying to make Kaz listen. "I want you to feel my heart beat. I want you to memorize it. And I want you to close your eyes and hear it every time you see the dead or feel them again. Just think of my heartbeat, and the way I smell, and the way I sound. I'll be the life to counter the dead."
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He barks a rough laugh at that declaration, and yet is it possible? Could he come to seek this out as much as he seeks them out?
So when Jesper says that, he considers for a moment. Always thinking things through before he follows through, if he's going to. Yet this time he does. He moves his hand up to press his palm over Jesper's heart.
The life to counter the dead.
Isn't that what they have always been for him? His life. His future. His... his friends though he's never thought of it in those terms. More than that, he's never let himself think it might be mutual. Not until recently and he'd given them their freedom.
Now though his fingers tap lightly against Jesper's chest, memorizing the rhythm of his heart.
"You must think I'm a fool," he says softly, an admission of how nervous all of this makes him, especially in thinking of Jesper and Inej.
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He is being as careful as he can be to hold Kaz without being uncomfortable and ignoring his natural instincts to touch him. It requires a lot of effort on Jesper's part not to act the way he usually does. With anyone else he would be kissing his brow, casually running fingers through his hair, holding his hand without thinking about it. Jesper does everything with intention when it comes to Kaz, he has to.
"No, love. Never that." He likes the feel of Kaz's hand on his chest, the heat of it plenty enough for him to sense it through the fabric. It's nice. "I think you should be nicer to yourself. You're doing the best you can."
And he has come a long way! Jesper can see that, all the effort it's taken to even get this far. He hopes that eventually, Kaz will stop being so harsh on himself, as this gets easier and more familiar. "You really need to stop being so mean to the man I love. I'm very protective over him, you know."
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Except, maybe, he needs to rewrite what is weakness and what is failure. Even if that thought feels impossible.
His fingers brush against Jesper's chest, a tentative attempt at more than light touches and hesitant motions. Trying to offer more than that for him, to show how much he is trying.
"The best I can is not enough. If I wouldn't accept that from others, why would I accept it from myself?" And that is, at the heart of it, his problem. He's never demanded more from others than he was willing to give himself, after all.
Again there is that soft sound that is certainly a laugh but filled with such uncertainty about what this all means and if he's doing the right thing. If he's hearing him right.
"The man you love, huh? I think you might have to accept he's going to maybe be a bit crueler than you want. At least for a time."
Until he adjusts to it all and starts to be gentler with himself. If he can.
maybe can start wrapping on this one!
"You are much harder on yourself than the rest of us. I just want you to consider that something taking time doesn't make it bad."
Jesper is tall enough that he can very carefully kiss the top of Kaz's head. He makes certain it is where his hair is full and thick so he would barely feel it, surely the hair would keep it from seeming a skin touch. If allowed he will keep his nose there for a few moments to smell him. He's taking what he can get, don't @ him.
"And yes, very much love you, obnoxiously love you. Sorry."
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And yet, he realizes that while he does need time, he doesn't want it. He wants to ignore his fears and take his chances, but it's not fair to them to risk him passing out. Again.
Yet in this moment, he feels the need to try. Not just in this closeness, the way his fingers are brushing against Jesper's chest. He can't help but to think about what it would be like to stroke his fingers over Jesper's chest, bare fingers on toned skin. Or to try and kiss him and have it not end with him unconscious on the floor.
Yet he feels that cold clamminess just thinking about it, but he realizes he doesn't feel it when he thinks about something else. Something that he needs to show them and let them know how he feels.
He draws back slowly, looking into Jesper's eyes.
"You know I feel the same, right? That all I've done to keep you from falling into gambling, and the things I missed when you left, and... you know feel the same, right?"
He hates stumbling over the words, that saying them is harder than he thought it would be.
"Do not be sorry for feeling the same love I do. Because I fo love you."
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"I didn't know," Jesper admits, and he feels something. Something almost embarrassing, as in a wave of intense emotion so strong he almost felt like welling up. He is used to being loved. His confidence in himself and his own appeal is eternal, it doesn't mean that hearing the words means any less to him because he's heard it before. It always matters. It's always special. Being loved comes naturally to him but he still craves it. Especially from Kaz or all people.
He knew that Kaz cared for him, that he meant a great deal to him. He knew that he had feelings for him, romantic and sexual, otherwise they wouldn't be attempting to work out this in a very slow burn. But in his unkind moments, desperate for Kaz's attention, he thought maybe he wasn't capable of it. Cruel, but so was unrequited love.
He takes in an unsteady breath and lets it out, letting his hand run up and down Kaz's back gently, that connection between them steady. "In case you doubt it, Kaz, this is worth it. You are worth it. No matter how long it takes, no matter how difficult it might be at times for us, I want to be right here with you."
Jesper knows if he keeps looking into Kaz's eyes like that he might slip so he pulls back finally, with some reluctance. There is getting him used to touch and there is the edge of when it's too much. He very carefully lifts a hand and brushes only the back of his fingers against Kaz's cheek in a caress, no more than a second. "Thanks. For loving me."