A brow arches at that, staring at Jesper. He can make that promise but they both know his nature and the man he is. Kaz also knows how he feels about recent rash decisions and therefor knows how much those words mean.
"The deal is the deal," he says, marking it as if that were something put on paper for him. Perhaps it was wrong to mark those words with that vow but he would. All things considered it was perhaps cruel, but he is holding Jesper to that. Out of his own fears he wouldn't vocalize more than he already had.
He holds very still at that touch, so used to most contact he receives coming with blows and pain. Years of conditioning are hard to overcome but he holds still. For Jesper's sake.
No, for their sake. All three of them.
Even if he feels like a fool, so uncomfortable about something that is so common place to others. A child manages this without thinking, and he won't let it be his downfall. Even if his heart is racing and he feels almost lightheaded. Tense for a moment.
Then his hands slide along Jesper's side, feeling the warmth of his body beneath cloth as he wraps his arms around him. It still feels awkward, for a moment, and then he sinks into his hold. Almost like strings cut, his body pressing to Jesper's.
And he's still awake. For a moment it might not feel like it, but he moves his head, pressing his cheek against Jesper's hair.
Jesper knows he's uncomfortable, he can feel the tension tight in him, but they've all agreed they are going to have to push Kaz's boundaries just a little if they're going to get anywhere. He wanted them to help him get better at this and this is one of his attempts at it. It is good that he can feel the tension because he can also feel the release of it when Kaz sinks into the hug.
His breath catches at how good it feels for Kaz to hold onto him like this. He wants this embrace, he has wanted comfort from Kaz before, but that never seemed like their thing. Now it is, so much about them can change. Jesper's grip around him tightens and he hugs him. This actually is far more effective than reassuring him with words sometimes. He feels safe and sturdy with Kaz's strength to soak in.
He feels Kaz's cheek nuzzle into his hair like that and sighs happily, moving his hand so it simply rubs up and down Kaz's back very slowly. Reassuringly. Soothing and petting as he would a feral cat caught in his grasp. "This feels amazing," he murmurs. It's good to communicate considering his joy after being so miserable moments before. "How do you feel, love? Is this okay?"
When he's admitted what happened, Kaz had spoken of his trouble with skin on skin contact and why but if he's honest it has become so much more. In withdrawing the chance of physical contact, he's withdraw in every other way. He had become hard and cruel and had turned that on everyone and only now is he opening up. Perhaps it's only for two people but he is opening up.
After what the city had put them through, he hadn't thought he could handle contact again. Even clothed.
Yet here he is, pressing in against Jesper, and finding himself clinging. Long fingers clutching at his jacket, almost as if afraid of his own reaction or the other man's.
The soft rumble of Jesper's voice though causes a fine tremble to go through him. Especially that word. He's not even sure what to do with that or how to handle that, truly. "It's... Yeah, it's okay. More than."
Jesper has always valued affection. His mother was a champion snuggler and she was as open with her heart as her son. In so many ways he's like her, to the point where it's clear why his father struggled. It's difficult to move on when your child is a duplicate in so many ways. But his father was affectionate too, he always let Jesper know that he loved him. This comes as easily to him as it doesn't to Kaz in the opposite way.
So he thinks he's the perfect person to get Kaz used to this. He'll keep hugging him until it gets easier.
"Kaz Brekker, a cuddler in the making," he teases gently. He knows what this means though, how important it is. Jesper wants to touch him more. He wants to turn his head, kiss Kaz's hair or run his fingers through it, but that may be too much skin or close enough to it. He wants to nuzzle into his neck and breathe him in, and so many other things that they're not close to doing yet.
"Put your hand on my chest over my heart." Jesper doesn't actually do that for him. All of this has to be in Kaz's choice for this to work. His voice is low, it's that silky tone he uses when he's seducing people, and in this case he isn't, not exactly. He's just trying to make Kaz listen. "I want you to feel my heart beat. I want you to memorize it. And I want you to close your eyes and hear it every time you see the dead or feel them again. Just think of my heartbeat, and the way I smell, and the way I sound. I'll be the life to counter the dead."
It feels weird, but then almost all contact that doesn't bring pain feels weird to him. Holding hands. Leaning into one another. Now this. And yet, just because it's an odd sensation to him doesn't mean he doesn't want it. Some small part of him craves this. Those little hand holds, the touch to his knee, all of these moments that he can tolerate because of cloth and layers and yet he's there with those he truly does care about. Those that care about him.
He barks a rough laugh at that declaration, and yet is it possible? Could he come to seek this out as much as he seeks them out?
So when Jesper says that, he considers for a moment. Always thinking things through before he follows through, if he's going to. Yet this time he does. He moves his hand up to press his palm over Jesper's heart.
The life to counter the dead.
Isn't that what they have always been for him? His life. His future. His... his friends though he's never thought of it in those terms. More than that, he's never let himself think it might be mutual. Not until recently and he'd given them their freedom.
Now though his fingers tap lightly against Jesper's chest, memorizing the rhythm of his heart.
"You must think I'm a fool," he says softly, an admission of how nervous all of this makes him, especially in thinking of Jesper and Inej.
Kaz one time called him Jordie and now that there is context behind it, he understands, because it's not the fraternal bond between them, it's the life in question. It's the person he counted on, who sometimes failed him, but who he couldn't let go of and had to. Not the same as a brother, but something else important all the same.
He is being as careful as he can be to hold Kaz without being uncomfortable and ignoring his natural instincts to touch him. It requires a lot of effort on Jesper's part not to act the way he usually does. With anyone else he would be kissing his brow, casually running fingers through his hair, holding his hand without thinking about it. Jesper does everything with intention when it comes to Kaz, he has to.
"No, love. Never that." He likes the feel of Kaz's hand on his chest, the heat of it plenty enough for him to sense it through the fabric. It's nice. "I think you should be nicer to yourself. You're doing the best you can."
And he has come a long way! Jesper can see that, all the effort it's taken to even get this far. He hopes that eventually, Kaz will stop being so harsh on himself, as this gets easier and more familiar. "You really need to stop being so mean to the man I love. I'm very protective over him, you know."
Kaz has never been one to give an inch to others. If he did, it was with enough rope to hang himself. Maybe only two people realized how how much that extended to himself. If he was hard on others, he was triply so on himself. Expecting more, demanding he not give an inch, never show weakness. Now, in this place, it seems all he does is show weakness.
Except, maybe, he needs to rewrite what is weakness and what is failure. Even if that thought feels impossible.
His fingers brush against Jesper's chest, a tentative attempt at more than light touches and hesitant motions. Trying to offer more than that for him, to show how much he is trying.
"The best I can is not enough. If I wouldn't accept that from others, why would I accept it from myself?" And that is, at the heart of it, his problem. He's never demanded more from others than he was willing to give himself, after all.
Again there is that soft sound that is certainly a laugh but filled with such uncertainty about what this all means and if he's doing the right thing. If he's hearing him right.
"The man you love, huh? I think you might have to accept he's going to maybe be a bit crueler than you want. At least for a time."
Until he adjusts to it all and starts to be gentler with himself. If he can.
Jesper feels like Kaz's touch is so rare that it feels like a brand when it's moving on its own, such as touching his chest at the moment. His heart thuds a little harder for a few seconds. He's just so hungry for every gesture. He rolls his eyes and pulls back, not entirely from the hug, his arms still around him, but so he can look down at Kaz's face.
"You are much harder on yourself than the rest of us. I just want you to consider that something taking time doesn't make it bad."
Jesper is tall enough that he can very carefully kiss the top of Kaz's head. He makes certain it is where his hair is full and thick so he would barely feel it, surely the hair would keep it from seeming a skin touch. If allowed he will keep his nose there for a few moments to smell him. He's taking what he can get, don't @ him.
"And yes, very much love you, obnoxiously love you. Sorry."
It's an odd sensation to be reassured that it's all right for him needing time to adjust to all of this. His feelings. Who he wants to be in this place. Just these small things, and touches between them.
And yet, he realizes that while he does need time, he doesn't want it. He wants to ignore his fears and take his chances, but it's not fair to them to risk him passing out. Again.
Yet in this moment, he feels the need to try. Not just in this closeness, the way his fingers are brushing against Jesper's chest. He can't help but to think about what it would be like to stroke his fingers over Jesper's chest, bare fingers on toned skin. Or to try and kiss him and have it not end with him unconscious on the floor.
Yet he feels that cold clamminess just thinking about it, but he realizes he doesn't feel it when he thinks about something else. Something that he needs to show them and let them know how he feels.
He draws back slowly, looking into Jesper's eyes.
"You know I feel the same, right? That all I've done to keep you from falling into gambling, and the things I missed when you left, and... you know feel the same, right?"
He hates stumbling over the words, that saying them is harder than he thought it would be.
"Do not be sorry for feeling the same love I do. Because I fo love you."
Jesper understands how Inej lost control of herself long enough to surprise Kaz with a kiss, before understanding that it would lead him to pass out. The impulse is everywhere for him too. They're looking into each other's eyes, still in a half-embrace, so unbelievably close, and the only thing holding him back is knowing it would ruin the moment. If he made Kaz pass out or made him sick, it would ruin this, and that's the last thing he wants from them declaring love for one another. Something like that should never be wrapped up in nausea.
"I didn't know," Jesper admits, and he feels something. Something almost embarrassing, as in a wave of intense emotion so strong he almost felt like welling up. He is used to being loved. His confidence in himself and his own appeal is eternal, it doesn't mean that hearing the words means any less to him because he's heard it before. It always matters. It's always special. Being loved comes naturally to him but he still craves it. Especially from Kaz or all people.
He knew that Kaz cared for him, that he meant a great deal to him. He knew that he had feelings for him, romantic and sexual, otherwise they wouldn't be attempting to work out this in a very slow burn. But in his unkind moments, desperate for Kaz's attention, he thought maybe he wasn't capable of it. Cruel, but so was unrequited love.
He takes in an unsteady breath and lets it out, letting his hand run up and down Kaz's back gently, that connection between them steady. "In case you doubt it, Kaz, this is worth it. You are worth it. No matter how long it takes, no matter how difficult it might be at times for us, I want to be right here with you."
Jesper knows if he keeps looking into Kaz's eyes like that he might slip so he pulls back finally, with some reluctance. There is getting him used to touch and there is the edge of when it's too much. He very carefully lifts a hand and brushes only the back of his fingers against Kaz's cheek in a caress, no more than a second. "Thanks. For loving me."
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no subject
"The deal is the deal," he says, marking it as if that were something put on paper for him. Perhaps it was wrong to mark those words with that vow but he would. All things considered it was perhaps cruel, but he is holding Jesper to that. Out of his own fears he wouldn't vocalize more than he already had.
He holds very still at that touch, so used to most contact he receives coming with blows and pain. Years of conditioning are hard to overcome but he holds still. For Jesper's sake.
No, for their sake. All three of them.
Even if he feels like a fool, so uncomfortable about something that is so common place to others. A child manages this without thinking, and he won't let it be his downfall. Even if his heart is racing and he feels almost lightheaded. Tense for a moment.
Then his hands slide along Jesper's side, feeling the warmth of his body beneath cloth as he wraps his arms around him. It still feels awkward, for a moment, and then he sinks into his hold. Almost like strings cut, his body pressing to Jesper's.
And he's still awake. For a moment it might not feel like it, but he moves his head, pressing his cheek against Jesper's hair.
no subject
His breath catches at how good it feels for Kaz to hold onto him like this. He wants this embrace, he has wanted comfort from Kaz before, but that never seemed like their thing. Now it is, so much about them can change. Jesper's grip around him tightens and he hugs him. This actually is far more effective than reassuring him with words sometimes. He feels safe and sturdy with Kaz's strength to soak in.
He feels Kaz's cheek nuzzle into his hair like that and sighs happily, moving his hand so it simply rubs up and down Kaz's back very slowly. Reassuringly. Soothing and petting as he would a feral cat caught in his grasp. "This feels amazing," he murmurs. It's good to communicate considering his joy after being so miserable moments before. "How do you feel, love? Is this okay?"
no subject
After what the city had put them through, he hadn't thought he could handle contact again. Even clothed.
Yet here he is, pressing in against Jesper, and finding himself clinging. Long fingers clutching at his jacket, almost as if afraid of his own reaction or the other man's.
The soft rumble of Jesper's voice though causes a fine tremble to go through him. Especially that word. He's not even sure what to do with that or how to handle that, truly. "It's... Yeah, it's okay. More than."
no subject
So he thinks he's the perfect person to get Kaz used to this. He'll keep hugging him until it gets easier.
"Kaz Brekker, a cuddler in the making," he teases gently. He knows what this means though, how important it is. Jesper wants to touch him more. He wants to turn his head, kiss Kaz's hair or run his fingers through it, but that may be too much skin or close enough to it. He wants to nuzzle into his neck and breathe him in, and so many other things that they're not close to doing yet.
"Put your hand on my chest over my heart." Jesper doesn't actually do that for him. All of this has to be in Kaz's choice for this to work. His voice is low, it's that silky tone he uses when he's seducing people, and in this case he isn't, not exactly. He's just trying to make Kaz listen. "I want you to feel my heart beat. I want you to memorize it. And I want you to close your eyes and hear it every time you see the dead or feel them again. Just think of my heartbeat, and the way I smell, and the way I sound. I'll be the life to counter the dead."
no subject
He barks a rough laugh at that declaration, and yet is it possible? Could he come to seek this out as much as he seeks them out?
So when Jesper says that, he considers for a moment. Always thinking things through before he follows through, if he's going to. Yet this time he does. He moves his hand up to press his palm over Jesper's heart.
The life to counter the dead.
Isn't that what they have always been for him? His life. His future. His... his friends though he's never thought of it in those terms. More than that, he's never let himself think it might be mutual. Not until recently and he'd given them their freedom.
Now though his fingers tap lightly against Jesper's chest, memorizing the rhythm of his heart.
"You must think I'm a fool," he says softly, an admission of how nervous all of this makes him, especially in thinking of Jesper and Inej.
no subject
He is being as careful as he can be to hold Kaz without being uncomfortable and ignoring his natural instincts to touch him. It requires a lot of effort on Jesper's part not to act the way he usually does. With anyone else he would be kissing his brow, casually running fingers through his hair, holding his hand without thinking about it. Jesper does everything with intention when it comes to Kaz, he has to.
"No, love. Never that." He likes the feel of Kaz's hand on his chest, the heat of it plenty enough for him to sense it through the fabric. It's nice. "I think you should be nicer to yourself. You're doing the best you can."
And he has come a long way! Jesper can see that, all the effort it's taken to even get this far. He hopes that eventually, Kaz will stop being so harsh on himself, as this gets easier and more familiar. "You really need to stop being so mean to the man I love. I'm very protective over him, you know."
no subject
Except, maybe, he needs to rewrite what is weakness and what is failure. Even if that thought feels impossible.
His fingers brush against Jesper's chest, a tentative attempt at more than light touches and hesitant motions. Trying to offer more than that for him, to show how much he is trying.
"The best I can is not enough. If I wouldn't accept that from others, why would I accept it from myself?" And that is, at the heart of it, his problem. He's never demanded more from others than he was willing to give himself, after all.
Again there is that soft sound that is certainly a laugh but filled with such uncertainty about what this all means and if he's doing the right thing. If he's hearing him right.
"The man you love, huh? I think you might have to accept he's going to maybe be a bit crueler than you want. At least for a time."
Until he adjusts to it all and starts to be gentler with himself. If he can.
maybe can start wrapping on this one!
"You are much harder on yourself than the rest of us. I just want you to consider that something taking time doesn't make it bad."
Jesper is tall enough that he can very carefully kiss the top of Kaz's head. He makes certain it is where his hair is full and thick so he would barely feel it, surely the hair would keep it from seeming a skin touch. If allowed he will keep his nose there for a few moments to smell him. He's taking what he can get, don't @ him.
"And yes, very much love you, obnoxiously love you. Sorry."
no subject
And yet, he realizes that while he does need time, he doesn't want it. He wants to ignore his fears and take his chances, but it's not fair to them to risk him passing out. Again.
Yet in this moment, he feels the need to try. Not just in this closeness, the way his fingers are brushing against Jesper's chest. He can't help but to think about what it would be like to stroke his fingers over Jesper's chest, bare fingers on toned skin. Or to try and kiss him and have it not end with him unconscious on the floor.
Yet he feels that cold clamminess just thinking about it, but he realizes he doesn't feel it when he thinks about something else. Something that he needs to show them and let them know how he feels.
He draws back slowly, looking into Jesper's eyes.
"You know I feel the same, right? That all I've done to keep you from falling into gambling, and the things I missed when you left, and... you know feel the same, right?"
He hates stumbling over the words, that saying them is harder than he thought it would be.
"Do not be sorry for feeling the same love I do. Because I fo love you."
no subject
"I didn't know," Jesper admits, and he feels something. Something almost embarrassing, as in a wave of intense emotion so strong he almost felt like welling up. He is used to being loved. His confidence in himself and his own appeal is eternal, it doesn't mean that hearing the words means any less to him because he's heard it before. It always matters. It's always special. Being loved comes naturally to him but he still craves it. Especially from Kaz or all people.
He knew that Kaz cared for him, that he meant a great deal to him. He knew that he had feelings for him, romantic and sexual, otherwise they wouldn't be attempting to work out this in a very slow burn. But in his unkind moments, desperate for Kaz's attention, he thought maybe he wasn't capable of it. Cruel, but so was unrequited love.
He takes in an unsteady breath and lets it out, letting his hand run up and down Kaz's back gently, that connection between them steady. "In case you doubt it, Kaz, this is worth it. You are worth it. No matter how long it takes, no matter how difficult it might be at times for us, I want to be right here with you."
Jesper knows if he keeps looking into Kaz's eyes like that he might slip so he pulls back finally, with some reluctance. There is getting him used to touch and there is the edge of when it's too much. He very carefully lifts a hand and brushes only the back of his fingers against Kaz's cheek in a caress, no more than a second. "Thanks. For loving me."