That said, those who I was unwilling to lose are in this place with me. I'm not willing to lose either of you.
[ This is perhaps the first time he's felt like he does without someone touching him bare skin to bare skin. His heart is racing, he feels sweaty and cold at the same time. Honesty has its place, but that doesn't make it easy.
He isn't sure any other way to say these things, glad no one can see him as he does. ]
You could never lose either of us, Kaz. We love each other and we love you and that's just not going to happen.
[ Jesper is so certain of that it wouldn't even occur to him that anything different is possible. This could go up in flame and he would still love and be loyal to them, that's who he is. ]
I'm a near-expert on having multiple connections at a time without it having to be a problem. It requires mutual respect and affection and clear boundaries. And to know what you want. Maybe you should think about what you want.
You can't speak for you both, Jesper, and I wouldn't want you to.
I've always known what I wanted. Just as I know what I can't have.
[ He had let them both go for that reason, much as it had hurt. He couldn't offer them what they could have from others. An ability to connect physically for one. How long would someone endure how withdrawn he was physically, or that he had yet to master more than a small tough of fingers without fainting? And then only with Inej! ]
Okay then ask Inej, but I know she'd agree with me.
You can. Listen, I don't know what your experience level is. So I'm just going to throw out some information here.
You can be intimate with someone without needing skin-to-skin contact. There are a lot of things you could do with someone if you wanted to that wouldn't require you to touch them. You can do a lot keeping the gloves on. You can also build up an immunity with practice with people you trust that might make it easier with time.
But if you're never interested in sex, you also don't need to have it to be romantic with someone. If you want us -- fine, not speaking for Inej. If you want me, all you have to do is be honest about your interests, and trust that I'm your best friend and we can figure it all out.
You do know this is not about not trusting you but about accepting this all, right?
There is a lot more to this than I'm getting to here without you before me, Jesper. It isn't merely as simple as any of this and none of this is simple.
For your own sake, you should be careful what you offer of yourself without knowing it all. Which is not me pushing you away, this is truly me trying to be as honest and forthcoming as I can be. And understanding.
Which means that once you know the truth and all of the details, I'll understand if my best friend is all you wish to be. Which I like that you have said it that way. I've never thought of it in that term but its true. I like it.
Of course we're best friends, Kaz. We haven't been only boss and second in a long time. You don't have to worry about us. You and me are going to be okay, whatever happens. But for the record, I've had feelings for you since the start, and nothing is going to change that.
We can talk about it when I get back, but you have to be willing to do that. I know you don't like talking about personal things, but this really has to be an exception, for us to get on the same page. At least I know now that kissing you without warning could give you a concussion, so I can behave.
You have been one of the people I trust the most for longer than I can recall. You're someone that I never wanted to think about leaving my side. I'm not happy with our kidnapping but if I have to be in this, I'm glad its with you.
[ He's never been good at saying these things but he knows he needs to. For both of their sake. ]
I want us to talk and to try and work out where we go from here. So when you return we'll talk about it. About how I feel and how I want to adapt. What we want.
[ This is so much positivity and validation all at once and Jesper's in a state of shock about it. The types of things he's always wanted to ask or know about, since it has felt before like he pours his love and loyalty into Kaz getting very little back. All this time without him has made him forget what it can be like, how powerful his influence is. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
With how many people have you known me to let go of an indiscretion against my wishes? How many, Jesper, have I forgiven?
no subject
no subject
That said, those who I was unwilling to lose are in this place with me. I'm not willing to lose either of you.
[ This is perhaps the first time he's felt like he does without someone touching him bare skin to bare skin. His heart is racing, he feels sweaty and cold at the same time. Honesty has its place, but that doesn't make it easy.
He isn't sure any other way to say these things, glad no one can see him as he does. ]
no subject
[ Jesper is so certain of that it wouldn't even occur to him that anything different is possible. This could go up in flame and he would still love and be loyal to them, that's who he is. ]
I'm a near-expert on having multiple connections at a time without it having to be a problem. It requires mutual respect and affection and clear boundaries. And to know what you want. Maybe you should think about what you want.
no subject
I've always known what I wanted. Just as I know what I can't have.
[ He had let them both go for that reason, much as it had hurt. He couldn't offer them what they could have from others. An ability to connect physically for one. How long would someone endure how withdrawn he was physically, or that he had yet to master more than a small tough of fingers without fainting? And then only with Inej! ]
no subject
You can. Listen, I don't know what your experience level is. So I'm just going to throw out some information here.
You can be intimate with someone without needing skin-to-skin contact. There are a lot of things you could do with someone if you wanted to that wouldn't require you to touch them. You can do a lot keeping the gloves on. You can also build up an immunity with practice with people you trust that might make it easier with time.
But if you're never interested in sex, you also don't need to have it to be romantic with someone. If you want us -- fine, not speaking for Inej. If you want me, all you have to do is be honest about your interests, and trust that I'm your best friend and we can figure it all out.
no subject
There is a lot more to this than I'm getting to here without you before me, Jesper. It isn't merely as simple as any of this and none of this is simple.
For your own sake, you should be careful what you offer of yourself without knowing it all. Which is not me pushing you away, this is truly me trying to be as honest and forthcoming as I can be. And understanding.
Which means that once you know the truth and all of the details, I'll understand if my best friend is all you wish to be. Which I like that you have said it that way. I've never thought of it in that term but its true. I like it.
no subject
We can talk about it when I get back, but you have to be willing to do that. I know you don't like talking about personal things, but this really has to be an exception, for us to get on the same page. At least I know now that kissing you without warning could give you a concussion, so I can behave.
no subject
[ He's never been good at saying these things but he knows he needs to. For both of their sake. ]
I want us to talk and to try and work out where we go from here. So when you return we'll talk about it. About how I feel and how I want to adapt. What we want.
no subject
I missed you more than I can possibly say, Kaz.
We'll talk when I get back.