[ Kaz Brekker wishes for nothing but in this, with Jesper, he'll admit to that. ]
I'm just not sure it's enough for me to be certain she's where she's supposed to be.
[ And he knows that means he can't relax about it, can't accept it for how it should be. He didn't put her there. He didn't see her there. There's too many variables in the whole thing for him. Too many that mean he doesn't know if she's safe and well and that is what bothers him the most. ]
There's always more I can do about things, Jesper, and don't tempt me to see how far I get in taking down this place before they find a way to stop me.
[ Because he's already angry that she's gone and not trusting this place now more than ever - even as he'd come to adjust to being here.
He vaguely recognizes that same pain from before when he thought he'd lost them, and he isn't letting himself think if he's trying to push at Jesper, or just accepting he'll be next because isn't that how life goes when you don't have control? ]
It's been a while but he and I spoke a bit. We came to the city about the same time and met exploring.
I wouldn't mind reading the words "I love you" right now.
[ Because if the worst happens and he loses Kaz at least he's read that and he knows and he can keep it with him. Inej always told him, so frequently he never questioned it. And while Kaz's love for him is obvious, he still wants to hear it. He's feeling needy right now. ]
And that's something we all know, but he's new. I'm not even sure what we're going to do if we find proof Latimer was taken out. Who are we to report it to? Marlo controls everything.
I love you. I love the man you are, not the gunslinger or the fabrikator though that is impressive and appreciated in its own right. I love all of you. I even love you despite those garish clothes.
That was a joke.
[ Least he meant it as one, not sure Jesper will take it that way. ]
[ I can say it to your face if need that as well. In my arms. ]
[ And if there is any doubt, he thinks nothing about the plan in that moment or that side of the talk. Wanting Jesper to know how important this is to him as well. ]
What if we reversed that though? My mouth on you. Every. Inch.
[ He's nervous even as he thinks about it but that doesn't mean he doesn't want it. It leaves him slightly cold to the touch if anyone did touch him, feeling clammy, knowing he's paler than he even usually is. Yet he continues on. He's alone but this connection with Jesper, and that's what matters. Jesper. ]
Poor choice of words on my part. What I mean by desperate is you're feeling shitty and you know that I make you feel better, and you want to be close to me right now to reassure yourself you're not alone. Which I get, I feel the same way.
But what I don't want is you to push your tolerance because I said I wanted something more physical, thus maybe making you think you should do it for me. You know I just want you to be okay.
I am feeling hateful, Jesper, and violent and angry for the general relief of being all of those things. None of those things have anything to do with the things I want with you.
I want to take steps instead of being content with how far I've come, because I want more with you. Because I refuse to waste as much time as I already have.
Because once I'm back in Ketterdam and have the dregs looking to me and life of being Dirtyhands again I don't know if I'll be allowed the things I have here and I'm selfish enough to want as much as I can have. No matter the risks.
[ He's lost that with Inej, though emotionally they had come so far. He doesn't want to do that again. ]
Don't take my hesitance as not wanting this, Kaz. I've dreamed of your mouth on my body, believe me, dreams where I've had to take myself in hand afterward. You know that I want you.
I just wanted to be sure it was for the right reasons. I never want you to regret something we do together.
We'll be on a bed so if you do pass out, it'll be somewhere soft.
[ If it happens, it happens. Jesper doesn't want him to feel ashamed of that, they're working toward something. ]
Wylan'll be working for awhile. Your bed?
[ Frankly, he doesn't want it to be his and Inej's room right now. He doesn't want it to be a mood killer for them to see her knives or clothes and regret everything. ]
Jesper was already in the apartment, having been putting her things together as he said. There is a box that will mostly be her things, but he'll keep it in a corner and not give away any piece of it. In case. Eventually seeing it won't bring up so much pain. It's not as if it doesn't hurt to look over and see that side of the room empty, but this is for the best. Still, he feels certain that this was the right call when he gets to leave there, because it'd just make them both upset.
Jesper is only in his pants and undershirt around the apartment, he doesn't need his shoes or full ensemble so he doesn't bother with it, so he's half undressed as it is. He lets himself into Kaz's room and decides to go ahead and peel his clothes off so he's fully naked and on Kaz's bed when he gets there. A nice little present, ready for Kaz's attention.
This is something they both need and while he's apprehensive about maybe Kaz passing out in this endeavor, he's also very excited about the idea of that sweet mouth anywhere on him. Kaz could kiss his neck twice and it would be plenty exciting. They've been very careful, going from over the clothes, to touching themselves together, and now this will be the most direct they've been.
So Jesper is already spread out on Kaz's bed naked, lounging like he belongs there, wanting to make the perfect picture for his lover to take in.
Another time and place and his reaction today would not be the same. Even in that place without Jesper there, and those instincts and desires would take over and there would be blood and bodies and death. It's not as if, in his needs, he hasn't come home from a fight in some of the seedier bars in this town with blood on his shirt and his knuckles torn up. It would be so easy to do it here as well.
But he has Jesper, and Wylan to look after, and he is now Dirtyhands here. More than that, he has accepted that here, and how much things have changed. Inej going missing had truly tested that.
The desire to literally see their empire burn to the ground was there. They'd taken what was his, and that was the answer he knew. Yet he could take his time, make his decisions, and not come home bruised and beaten - and still on the better side of things.
His mind is reeling, still trying to work things out, especially in what he wants now. From Jesper. Between them. None of that though could prepare him for the sight before him as he steps into his room.
The door closes a little too loudly at his touch, back pressing to the wood as he stares at Jesper.
"I will have you know," he finally manages, slowly drawing off one glove as his heated gaze rakes over Jesper's body. "That this is entirely unfair." The other gloves came off slowly.
Unfair as it might be, it succeeded though in taking the anger out and only leaving the heat he felt for the other man.
In truth, this has left a ragged hole in his chest, and while Jesper's told others that he holds onto Inej's joy waiting for her, and he knows that she'll find it, it's still difficult. And it makes him want to hold Kaz close and cling to him. It's why he was cautious too, about what Kaz offered, worried that pushing him too much would push him away.
He has been so careful with his lover, and they have taken steps together. They've come together, over clothes and across a bed, and they've found deep intimacy. But Jesper has hesitated from indicating how much more he wants, from confessing anything more, until today, when he wanted so much to take comfort in Kaz's body. He's still nervous though, because it's always him suggesting a next step and gently pulling Kaz with him. This is Kaz's move.
Saints but just the way Kaz pulls off his glove! It's so sexy, it's insane. He stretches out his body in a very intentional seductive way, all long limbs and defined muscles, putting on a display for Kaz to keep looking at. Jesper knows how hot he is but he glows under attention. Maybe what they need right now is the heat.
"Do you want me, Kaz Brekker?" Jesper says with a smile, predatory but also in a passive poise, suggestive. He runs his own hand over his smooth brown skin.
There will be a moment when Kaz breaks. A fight. Bloodshed. His own or someone else's. Whatever it took to burn out the pain. Just as he had so many times before.
Yet now he has another way. A way to push himself, and to have and take and use and give and everything he needs to try and get past the pain and their loss.
He drops the gloves aside, taking off his jacket and leaving it with the gloves. Yet he doesn't make a move to remove anything else as he gives Jesper a small shake of his head.
"It's more than want," he assures him in slow, deliberate tones. The same deliberateness of his gaze as it slides over that beautiful, exquisite body. "I need you, Jesper Fahey. I need to remind myself that you're here, and you're mine."
He shifts up onto the bed, the mattress dipping beneath his knee.
"I'm not taking anything else off. All you'll have today is my hands and my mouth," he murmurs softly, already letting his fingertips just barely drift along Jesper's hip.
Jesper used to fantasize about Kaz like this frequently and it's still insane to him that it gets to be real. Desire has a way of pushing out any other emotion for him. He loses himself in it, and all he can feel now is hot and excited and desperate. It's not that he's forgotten his pain but that it is being replaced with something just as powerful. Kaz needs him.
"My body, my heart, they're yours, Kaz." Jesper has never belonged to anyone more than Kaz Brekker, considering their background together. He's been devoted to Kaz for years, and while he worked for him, they've never been a traditional boss and worker.
"I guess I'll live with that." Kaz's hands and mouth? Oh yes, what a hardship. Although he does like looking at him naked and thinks about it when idle, but they need less skin to be available to pull this off. Kaz needs complete control of the situation. He's exploring touch more significantly than he ever has before and Jesper is going to try and be still and let him.
He moves onto his back so Kaz can have free reign of his body, resisting the urge to touch him. "You can do anything you want to me, as long as it's what you want." Jesper's just so nervous about making him feel pressured, but Kaz has reassured him otherwise.
It's been difficult not to focus on these things with Jesper when Kaz should be doing so much else. Remember how he looks nude, laid out of like this, touching himself. He's thought about having so much more with him, of experiencing so many things but he's also thought about how to make that happen without passing out.
He's thought of this moment truly more than he should have. Of taking time to explore Jesper's body without having to think or focus on anything but the man he loves. That vow and those words, they bring a soft curve to Kaz's mouth, nearly a smile and more than most have ever seen from him.
"Such a hardship, though you might find it is before I'm done with you."
He takes a deep breath, holding it for a moment before he moves up on the bed. Moving to slide one leg over Jesper's and kneeling over his hips. Not quite touching him before for the inside of his knees even as he slides his hand along Jesper's stomach and up his chest to rest over his heart. His hand trembles but then he leans down and presses a kiss to the center of Jesper's chest with a a shuddering exhalation.
"Oh it'll definitely be hard." Jesper laughs at his own ridiculousness, but they will always be them even in the bedroom. Friends first, lovers second. It's not going to take much at all for Kaz to get him hard simply from the anticipation of his touch. He didn't mean this had to necessarily become erotic, Kaz could put his hands on him just to enjoy it, but it's unlikely it can stay non-sexual between them. There's too much chemistry here.
Jesper puts his hands down on the bed on either side and takes some of the blanket between his fingers so he can resist the urge to touch him back. It's going to be difficult, especially when Kaz puts his mouth on his chest and he sighs, eyelashes fluttering.
The smallest things are appealing to him, like the way Kaz breathes against his chest, causing goosebumps on his skin from sensation more than anything else. He's not cold, he's turned on. Jesper licks his lips and does reach behind him for a pillow, putting it under his head so it's a lot easier for him to watch.
"That's good, sweetheart." He wants to encourage him and be gentle about it, he can feel the tremble in Kaz, he wishes he could chase it away.
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[ Kaz Brekker wishes for nothing but in this, with Jesper, he'll admit to that. ]
I'm just not sure it's enough for me to be certain she's where she's supposed to be.
[ And he knows that means he can't relax about it, can't accept it for how it should be. He didn't put her there. He didn't see her there. There's too many variables in the whole thing for him. Too many that mean he doesn't know if she's safe and well and that is what bothers him the most. ]
Do you want to speak to Altair? Have you already?
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[ It's bitter truth but unfortunately true. He doesn't want to sugar coat with Kaz, just as he wouldn't for him. ]
I haven't, do you want to if you two already have a rapport?
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[ Because he's already angry that she's gone and not trusting this place now more than ever - even as he'd come to adjust to being here.
He vaguely recognizes that same pain from before when he thought he'd lost them, and he isn't letting himself think if he's trying to push at Jesper, or just accepting he'll be next because isn't that how life goes when you don't have control? ]
It's been a while but he and I spoke a bit. We came to the city about the same time and met exploring.
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Talk to him, tell him the deal. Make sure he knows that it could potentially get us in trouble, depending on if we're caught.
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[ But he knows that isn't the right answer either. ]
You know I feel the same, Jesper. You also know the control it truly is taking me to not show them how I feel right now.
I'll talk with Altair and see what we can work out.
You say that as if you think I would lead someone blindly into an impossible plan without a means of ensuring they'd made it out.
[ While the text wouldn't convey it, he can't help but be amused by that, even given his dark mood. ]
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[ Because if the worst happens and he loses Kaz at least he's read that and he knows and he can keep it with him. Inej always told him, so frequently he never questioned it. And while Kaz's love for him is obvious, he still wants to hear it. He's feeling needy right now. ]
And that's something we all know, but he's new. I'm not even sure what we're going to do if we find proof Latimer was taken out. Who are we to report it to? Marlo controls everything.
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[ He pauses, not for hesitation for emphasis. ]
I love you. I love the man you are, not the gunslinger or the fabrikator though that is impressive and appreciated in its own right. I love all of you. I even love you despite those garish clothes.
That was a joke.
[ Least he meant it as one, not sure Jesper will take it that way. ]
[ I can say it to your face if need that as well. In my arms. ]
[ And if there is any doubt, he thinks nothing about the plan in that moment or that side of the talk. Wanting Jesper to know how important this is to him as well. ]
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Give me a few hours.
[ It's difficult sometimes for him to stay within Kaz's boundaries! He is being slow and respectful! He just really wants to fuck him! ]
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[ He's nervous even as he thinks about it but that doesn't mean he doesn't want it. It leaves him slightly cold to the touch if anyone did touch him, feeling clammy, knowing he's paler than he even usually is. Yet he continues on. He's alone but this connection with Jesper, and that's what matters. Jesper. ]
If you think you could let me do that.
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You don't need to push yourself because you're desperate to hold onto me.
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Though he isn't sure if any of his thoughts of uncertainty send through to Jesper, still not always sure about how this way of communicating works.
He sighs and closes his eyes, knowing he needs to say something before he says something perhaps even worse than he apparently has. ]
I hadn't considered myself desperate, or thinking I needed to try and hold on to you. I had thought we both knew that was settled.
I suppose we'll revisit this another time then.
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But what I don't want is you to push your tolerance because I said I wanted something more physical, thus maybe making you think you should do it for me. You know I just want you to be okay.
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I want to take steps instead of being content with how far I've come, because I want more with you. Because I refuse to waste as much time as I already have.
Because once I'm back in Ketterdam and have the dregs looking to me and life of being Dirtyhands again I don't know if I'll be allowed the things I have here and I'm selfish enough to want as much as I can have. No matter the risks.
[ He's lost that with Inej, though emotionally they had come so far. He doesn't want to do that again. ]
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I just wanted to be sure it was for the right reasons. I never want you to regret something we do together.
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Because it's with you.
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[ If it happens, it happens. Jesper doesn't want him to feel ashamed of that, they're working toward something. ]
Wylan'll be working for awhile. Your bed?
[ Frankly, he doesn't want it to be his and Inej's room right now. He doesn't want it to be a mood killer for them to see her knives or clothes and regret everything. ]
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[ He's opened up about his weakness but that doesn't mean that Kaz doesn't want to be past it as well. ]
Mine, yes. I'd like that. I'll see you soon.
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Jesper is only in his pants and undershirt around the apartment, he doesn't need his shoes or full ensemble so he doesn't bother with it, so he's half undressed as it is. He lets himself into Kaz's room and decides to go ahead and peel his clothes off so he's fully naked and on Kaz's bed when he gets there. A nice little present, ready for Kaz's attention.
This is something they both need and while he's apprehensive about maybe Kaz passing out in this endeavor, he's also very excited about the idea of that sweet mouth anywhere on him. Kaz could kiss his neck twice and it would be plenty exciting. They've been very careful, going from over the clothes, to touching themselves together, and now this will be the most direct they've been.
So Jesper is already spread out on Kaz's bed naked, lounging like he belongs there, wanting to make the perfect picture for his lover to take in.
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But he has Jesper, and Wylan to look after, and he is now Dirtyhands here. More than that, he has accepted that here, and how much things have changed. Inej going missing had truly tested that.
The desire to literally see their empire burn to the ground was there. They'd taken what was his, and that was the answer he knew. Yet he could take his time, make his decisions, and not come home bruised and beaten - and still on the better side of things.
His mind is reeling, still trying to work things out, especially in what he wants now. From Jesper. Between them. None of that though could prepare him for the sight before him as he steps into his room.
The door closes a little too loudly at his touch, back pressing to the wood as he stares at Jesper.
"I will have you know," he finally manages, slowly drawing off one glove as his heated gaze rakes over Jesper's body. "That this is entirely unfair." The other gloves came off slowly.
Unfair as it might be, it succeeded though in taking the anger out and only leaving the heat he felt for the other man.
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He has been so careful with his lover, and they have taken steps together. They've come together, over clothes and across a bed, and they've found deep intimacy. But Jesper has hesitated from indicating how much more he wants, from confessing anything more, until today, when he wanted so much to take comfort in Kaz's body. He's still nervous though, because it's always him suggesting a next step and gently pulling Kaz with him. This is Kaz's move.
Saints but just the way Kaz pulls off his glove! It's so sexy, it's insane. He stretches out his body in a very intentional seductive way, all long limbs and defined muscles, putting on a display for Kaz to keep looking at. Jesper knows how hot he is but he glows under attention. Maybe what they need right now is the heat.
"Do you want me, Kaz Brekker?" Jesper says with a smile, predatory but also in a passive poise, suggestive. He runs his own hand over his smooth brown skin.
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Yet now he has another way. A way to push himself, and to have and take and use and give and everything he needs to try and get past the pain and their loss.
He drops the gloves aside, taking off his jacket and leaving it with the gloves. Yet he doesn't make a move to remove anything else as he gives Jesper a small shake of his head.
"It's more than want," he assures him in slow, deliberate tones. The same deliberateness of his gaze as it slides over that beautiful, exquisite body. "I need you, Jesper Fahey. I need to remind myself that you're here, and you're mine."
He shifts up onto the bed, the mattress dipping beneath his knee.
"I'm not taking anything else off. All you'll have today is my hands and my mouth," he murmurs softly, already letting his fingertips just barely drift along Jesper's hip.
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"My body, my heart, they're yours, Kaz." Jesper has never belonged to anyone more than Kaz Brekker, considering their background together. He's been devoted to Kaz for years, and while he worked for him, they've never been a traditional boss and worker.
"I guess I'll live with that." Kaz's hands and mouth? Oh yes, what a hardship. Although he does like looking at him naked and thinks about it when idle, but they need less skin to be available to pull this off. Kaz needs complete control of the situation. He's exploring touch more significantly than he ever has before and Jesper is going to try and be still and let him.
He moves onto his back so Kaz can have free reign of his body, resisting the urge to touch him. "You can do anything you want to me, as long as it's what you want." Jesper's just so nervous about making him feel pressured, but Kaz has reassured him otherwise.
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He's thought of this moment truly more than he should have. Of taking time to explore Jesper's body without having to think or focus on anything but the man he loves. That vow and those words, they bring a soft curve to Kaz's mouth, nearly a smile and more than most have ever seen from him.
"Such a hardship, though you might find it is before I'm done with you."
He takes a deep breath, holding it for a moment before he moves up on the bed. Moving to slide one leg over Jesper's and kneeling over his hips. Not quite touching him before for the inside of his knees even as he slides his hand along Jesper's stomach and up his chest to rest over his heart. His hand trembles but then he leans down and presses a kiss to the center of Jesper's chest with a a shuddering exhalation.
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Jesper puts his hands down on the bed on either side and takes some of the blanket between his fingers so he can resist the urge to touch him back. It's going to be difficult, especially when Kaz puts his mouth on his chest and he sighs, eyelashes fluttering.
The smallest things are appealing to him, like the way Kaz breathes against his chest, causing goosebumps on his skin from sensation more than anything else. He's not cold, he's turned on. Jesper licks his lips and does reach behind him for a pillow, putting it under his head so it's a lot easier for him to watch.
"That's good, sweetheart." He wants to encourage him and be gentle about it, he can feel the tremble in Kaz, he wishes he could chase it away.